burnt out ends of smoky days
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: A collection of miscellaneous drabbles. Spoilers for all seasons.
1. ros

A collection of miscellaneous drabbles. Spoilers for all seasons.   
These characters do not belong to me. Title comes from Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Memory".

* * *

Ros is still afraid, though not of the monsters of her childhood. She knows now that the ogres and trolls of her fairytales were never real. 

Her father is the worst kind of monster, but he is her _father_ and she loves him even now, knowing what he has done, what he was prepared to do.

He is her father but she doesn't know him, perhaps she never did, and that is what scares her. Because if the one thing she has always held to be true is not, then how can anything else in her life stay the same?


	2. harry

Harry Pearce will regret Ruth Evershed for as long as he lives.

He knows he is not worth the sacrifice she made for him; knows too what she insisted remain unsaid.

And he knows that if they had said the words, he would never have been able to let her go.

What he will not admit to himself is that the words themselves do not matter; he loves her all the same. He has loved her for years.

He wonders if she regrets what she did for him, and hates that it is the one thing he will never know.


	3. ros and adam

Post-ep for 5x10. Adam/Ros.

* * *

Ros cannot explain her attraction to Adam Carter. She knows better than to get involved with a colleague; when that happens the line between work and emotion becomes too blurred, too dangerous, and it is easy to make a mistake.

Adam is damaged, perhaps almost as damaged as she is, but in a different way. She is poison and he is a time bomb and she knows they will only end up destroying each other.

But they almost died this afternoon. The water was ice cold and nothing matters anymore except feeling warm again, and Adam's bed is very warm.


	4. the morning after

Ruth, Harry, Fidget. Set in an AU season 5.

* * *

The morning after is, surprisingly, neither awkward nor embarrassing.

Ruth wakes to find Harry watching her. "I don't think your cat likes me," he says.

She smiles. "You're in his spot."

"Well, he's going to have to find somewhere else to sleep from now on."

Harry slides closer then kisses her. Slow, gentle, full of promise. Ruth thinks she could get used to this.

Fingers skim her ribcages, his touch feather-light, but she squirms anyway. "Sorry. Ticklish."

Fidget jumps onto the pillow, demanding attention. Ruth begins to laugh; a moment later Harry joins in.

"Told you he didn't like me."


	5. adam

He realises, months later, that he never loved Ana.

His relationship with her mirrors his relationship with Fiona, when he met her as Amal and fell in love in the Damascus heat. She was just an asset, but eventually lies turned into truth and neither of them were ever the same.

There are some mornings when he forgets, just for a moment, that she's dead. He reaches for her side of the bed but the sheets are always cold.

Amelia. Amal. Fiona. The love of his life.

He loves her still, and looks for her in every woman he meets.


	6. 1x01

Maisie. 100 words. Episode 1x01. Not my characters.

* * *

Maisie has always wanted a father. She loves her mum, of course, but when the other children make Father's Day cards, Maisie always makes one for her granddad. She loves him, but it's not the same.

She likes Matthew. Mum smiles a lot when he's around. He doesn't treat her like a kid either, the way most grownups do. She hasn't said anything to Mum yet, but she thinks Matthew would make a really good dad.

If she has a dad, then soon she could have a brother or sister too. She thinks she'd like to be a big sister.


	7. 1x02

Helen. 100 words. Episode 1x02. Not my characters.

* * *

It wasn't in the moment before her death that Helen's life flashed before her eyes. She had had hours to think about all the things she would never do while she waited for Tom to return, a gun held to her head.

She thought about the things she wished she'd done differently, things she wished she'd said instead of just thinking. She thought of the husband and children she'd never have, and the dream career that led her to that point.

In the moment before she died, though, all she could think about was how much pain she was in.


	8. 1x03

Tessa. 100 words. Episode 1x03. Not my characters.

* * *

Tessa still has a tiny pair of pink booties tucked away at the back of her closet. She had only just begun to collect things for the baby when she lost her. It was months before Tessa could bring herself to give everything away, but when she tried to put the booties in the box she had frozen. She bought them the day she learned the baby was a girl and giving them away felt like a betrayal.

She thinks of Elizabeth sometimes; imagines what she would look like, how old she would be.

The pain never really goes away.


	9. 1x04

Ellie/Tom. 100 words. Episode 1x04. Not my characters.

* * *

She looks at him in disbelief and wonders what else he has lied to her about. His career, his name, how he was injured – how he feels about her?

She doesn't know him; she's never known him, and the thought makes her feel ill. She looks away, because she can't stand the sight of him right now.

He explains, a little, and she hates herself for beginning to understand, for wanting to forgive him. Because, in spite of the deception, she loves him still.

But there is one thing she will not compromise on. "I won't have Maisie lied to."


	10. 1x05

Zoe. 100 words. Episode 1x05. Not my characters.

* * *

Zoe blames everything on the alcohol: the confession of what Tessa's been up to, the money in the wall, the near-kiss. She conveniently ignores the fact that by the time she and Danny almost kissed, she'd had her face shoved in ice cold water and drank a cup of coffee, and was just about sober again.

It's not that she's in love with Danny, or anything like that. She likes him, of course, and she'll admit that he's attractive. Sleeping with him, however, is a very bad idea, and Zoe is relieved the other girl showed up when she did.


	11. 1x06

Ellie. 100 words. Episode1x06. Not my characters.

* * *

1:15

It's just a clock, she thinks. Just a clock, not a bomb. No need to panic.

Except—

1:14

Except the numbers are going backwards.

She can't breathe. Tom's saying something but the words don't register. All Ellie can think is that it is a bomb after all, and she and Maisie are trapped inside this house, and the numbers are counting down and they're going to die.

She's not ready to die.

46 seconds.

They're wrong, there is no screw.

This isn't supposed to be happening. She holds Maisie tight and looks at Tom through the window.

And waits.


	12. 2x01

Tom. 100 words. Episode 2x01. Not my characters.

* * *

Love, it turns out, is not enough.

Tom loves Ellie. He loves Maisie as if she is his own daughter. He wants them to be together, to be a family.

The problem is: he loves his country, too.

Ellie doesn't understand why he missed their meeting. She doesn't know what is at stake.

And he thinks, _her life was at stake earlier. Hers and Maisie's._

He tells Danny it's reckless optimism, but it's more like desperate hope. He can't lose her. He won't lose her.

Except he does.

Later, when he's packing up her things, he feels his heart break.


	13. 2x02

Tessa. 100 words. Episode 2x02. Not my characters.

* * *

Tessa can't quite believe it: first, they throw her to the wolves, and now they've come crawling to her for help.

Well, not exactly crawling. Tessa doesn't think Tom would lower himself that much. But still, that they expect her just to hand over information is somewhat laughable.

She wonders if this was Harry's idea. Bastard. He should have come himself. Not that she would have given him anything if he had, of course.

No, she thinks, watching as Tom leaves her office. The Service didn't want her; they're bloody well going to have to learn to do without her.


	14. 2x03

Harry. 100 words. Episode 2x03. Not my characters.

* * *

Harry hasn't yet made up his mind whether to trust Ruth. He likes her, perhaps too quickly, and perhaps that is why he is doubly reluctant to let her into the inner circle. Zoe, Danny and Tom have proven themselves many times.

Perhaps it's because she's from GCHQ. Harry tells himself he shouldn't let his personal bias affect the team, but his is a suspicious nature. For now, a little distance is a good thing.

Ironic, then, that the distraction he'd set her leads her to solve the riddle behind this whole mess.

Perhaps she's not the enemy after all.


	15. 2x04

Ruth. 100 words. Episode 2x04. Not my characters.

* * *

It's almost a relief to be found out, Ruth thinks as Tom walks away. She wasn't expecting him to give her a second chance, but she's grateful he has. She will make it up to the team; she will prove herself to them.

She's glad it happened now, after the first time. Because, despite the excitement involved in the secrecy, she didn't want to have to inform on her colleagues. She does not want to return to GCHG.

Smiling to herself, she returns to the Grid. The truth will set you free, she thinks, and she has never felt freer.


	16. 2x05

Harry. 100 words. Episode 2x05. Not my characters.

. . .

Harry looks at Ruth as she tries to brief the team on VX. He sees her fear, and feels the first twinges of guilt. He cannot bear the tears in her eyes. Taking pity on her, he asks Sam to take over.

Later, when he tells Tom he's been infected, it's Ruth's reaction he thinks of.

He knows this drill is necessary; the team will forgive him for his part in it.

Sitting alone in his office, he watches through the glass as things fall apart and reminds himself this isn't real. A few more hours, and it'll be over.


	17. 2x06

Sam. 100 words. Episode 2x06. Not my characters.

. . .

"Oh, and I'm also not sure the lighting on the Grid is the best. It's too blue, I think." Sam tilts her head slightly, adding, "I always feel cold. Do you think it's the lighting?"

Miranda looks at her for a moment, then scribbles something on her notepad. Sam leans forward; she's always been good at reading upside down. It's a handy skill to have, especially on the Grid. Miranda's handwriting isn't easily decipherable, but Sam thinks she can make out the words 'blue' and 'lighting'.

This is a great idea, Sam thinks, and continues, "The water coolers are warm . . ."


	18. suburbs

For Nina and the prompt: Ros/Adam and suburbs.

* * *

She knows it will never last, this thing between her and Adam. He needs a wife, a mother for Wes, someone who'll be happy to settle in the suburbs and keep house.

Ros is too restless, too used to being on her own. Maybe that's why she went to bed with Adam in the first place, because she knew from the start there could be no future for them. She's never wanted to be someone's wife, someone's mother.

Even so, even though this must end soon, she'll enjoy the affair for a while longer.

For as long as she can.


	19. 2x07

Zoe. 100 words. Episode 2x07. Not my characters.

. . .

Zoe comes very close to hating them sometimes: Harry, Tom, even Danny. Of course, it's not them she really hates; it's what the job has made them capable of doing. A fourteen-year-old has no place in an operation, regardless of how intelligent or capable he is. It makes no difference that he's the only hope they have of getting Firestorm.

It's wrong. Plain and simple.

What Zoe hates most of all is that she can understand why they're using him. She's afraid of the day when she doesn't protest against something like this.

Maybe she has no place here either.


	20. 2x08

Harry. 100 words. Episode 2x08. Not my characters.

* * *

Of course he's going to renew her secondment, Harry thinks. Doesn't she know how valuable she is to his team? He couldn't have imagined, that first day, just how important she would become. There's no way he would let her go back to GCHQ without a fight.

He mentally lists all the professional reasons why he wants her to stay; reasons that have nothing to do with her smile, her eyes or the sound of her laughter.

She is the first person he sees when he arrives and the last before he leaves. He wouldn't have it any other way.


	21. 2x09

Tom. 100 words. Episode 2x09. Not my characters.

* * *

He does not know why Mariela's death disturbs him so much. She is not the first person whom he has seen die; probably she will not be the last.

There was an innocence about her that struck Tom from the first meeting. She seemed younger than she really was, more girl than woman, and he couldn't help but want to protect her.

He will never forget the last minutes of her life, how fragile and small she was in his arms. And though he will always regret that she is dead, he envies that she, at least, has found peace.


	22. 2x10

Tom. 100 words. Episode 2x10. Not my characters.

He never meant to fall in love with her.

She was supposed to be a distraction, supposed to help him get over Ellie and the last few months. He hadn't even liked her when they first met; had thought that she was just another brash, arrogant American who thought MI5 served at the pleasure of her president.

It's not about breaking the rules anymore, either.

She was supposed to be a simple fling but his life is more complicated now than it has ever been before.

He loves her, and right now that's the only thing that makes any sense.


	23. 3x01

Harry. 100 words. Episode 3x01. Not my characters.

* * *

Spook cabs, he thinks. Leave it to Ruth to start recruiting taxi drivers.

It is the one thing he has been able to smile about since this whole mess began. He doesn't want to think about Tom or Oliver or watching Carmen Joyce put a gun in her mouth. He doesn't want to think about why his shoulder aches or why he is so tired. He doesn't want to think about how close his department came to falling apart.

So he will think of Ruth instead, and thank whichever gods were smiling on them when Carmen climbed into the taxi.


	24. 3x02

Tom. 100 words. Episode 3x02. Not my characters.

* * *

He shouldn't have come back. He should have followed Christine's example and resigned. He shouldn't have expected things to go back to they way they were.

Everything is different now. Ever since the Joyce affair he feels the sense of distrust from his colleagues. They look at him differently – but he sees them differently too. He sees that this life is no longer for him, that it has not been for him for a long time. He is tired of the lies and the secrecy. Tired of always pretending to be other people.

Christine was right: this is destroying him.


	25. 3x03

Ruth. 100 words. Episode 3x03. Not my characters.

* * *

Ruth likes Adam.

She feels guilty for it, as if she's somehow being disloyal to Tom. She knows it's ridiculous; knows that Adam is not to blame for Tom's breakdown.

So maybe Adam is not the reason for her guilt. Maybe Ruth feels she should have seen the signs sooner; she should have said something to someone.

She should have been a better friend, she thinks, even as she knows that what happened was inevitable. The brightest agents are the ones who burn out the quickest and those around them cannot do anything but watch and wait for the fallout.


	26. 3x04

Harry. 100 words. Episode 3x04. Not my characters.

* * *

He doesn't immediately realize it's her. She's thinner than when he last saw her; her hair is shorter, too. He recognizes the stubborn set of her jaw and the determined look in her eyes.

She is beautiful. He has always found it incredible that she is part of him.

He never wanted her to get involved in this life and prefers to believe that she is an innocent.

He knows better than to get too close to the operation, but he can't help it. She is his daughter, his little girl.

All he wants to do is keep her safe.


	27. 3x05

Ruth/Harry. 100 words. Episode 3x05. Not my characters.

* * *

It's not that she's jealous of Zoe; she envies what Zoe has with Will. A lover, fiancé, the promise of a shared future.

Ruth likes to think she could have that with John Fortescue but, as appealing as he is with his PhD and singing voice, there is one thing he is not. Ironic that it turns out what he is not is precisely what Ruth really wants.

She tells herself she is a woman who knows her own mind, who knows what she wants from life. Her problem is that she can no longer pretend she doesn't want Harry.


	28. 3x06

Zoe. 100 words. Episode 3x06. Not my characters.

* * *

For the first time in her life, Zoe feels completely lost.

Despite Harry's assurances that everything will be worked out in the end, Zoe can't help but think that nothing will ever be right again. Even surrounded by her colleagues, she feels so alone. She is too much of a risk to the service now; she is too high profile for field work.

The service is her life. It is all she has ever wanted.

No, she thinks, not all she has wanted. There is still Will.

If he'll take her back. With trembling hands, she picks up the phone.


	29. 3x07

Ruth. 100 words. Episode 3x07. Not my characters.

Ruth looks up at Andrew as he pours the diamonds into his cupped palm, wondering what she can say to get through to him. If she doesn't, he will kill her. It is too much of a risk to let her live, but she's not ready to die.

His expression changes, his hand falls to his side and the diamonds rain onto the floor.

She knows what they have done, knows that it is too late for Andrew now, and as she watches him die she weeps for the loss of a gifted man, and the waste of a life.


	30. 3x08

Ruth. 100 words. Episode 3x08. Not my characters.

. . .

Ruth has never liked the way Oliver Mace looks at her. There is something disturbing in his gaze; something ugly, almost predatory. Ruth likes to believe the best of people, but Oliver Mace has always unsettled her.

He is always polite towards her, acting like the gentleman she knows he isn't. There are very few secrets in their world, and Ruth has heard too many disquieting things about him to want to further an acquaintance.

And so she keeps her distance, watching, wary, and on the occasions he arrives on the Grid, she finds a reason to be somewhere else.


	31. ros&malcolm

For londonspook who asked for Ros/Malcolm and secret nerd.

. . .

It comes as something of a surprise to discover that Ros is a secret nerd. Malcolm tells himself that nothing about Ros should surprise him anymore, which is easier said than done.

Little by little, they drift into a friendship, talking about trackers and listening devices and computer programmes. He learns that she has a wicked sense of humour and a beautiful smile; that she takes her coffee black and likes her chocolate bitter.

He also learns that she's lonely, and her heart is not made of stone. But that is the one thing that doesn't surprise him at all.


	32. ros, series 7

_For londonspook who asked for Lucas, Ros and drowning. Set at an indeterminate time in series 7._

. . .

This is the only life she knows and it has broken her time and again. There are days when it's all she can do to keep her head above water, but she is determined that the depression that consumed Adam will not destroy her too.

She finds herself seeking out Lucas' company now and wonders why she is drawn to damaged men. She thinks it may be a reflection of her own fractured soul. The simple truth is that she understands brokenness; it is normal people who baffle her.

She doesn't think she can even remember what normalcy was like.


	33. 3x09

Ruth/Harry. 100 words. Episode 3x09. Not my characters.

. . .

She is ruthless, he thinks with a touch of pride. She knows exactly which buttons to push, which questions he's not comfortable answering. Of course, those are the first questions she asks.

And suddenly there's another question. Hesitant.

He had known she didn't want him to leave but knowing is one thing. Seeing it in her eyes, hearing it in her voice is something else entirely.

A moment of flirtation follows. Flustered, she flees his office. Watching her through the window he thinks about how much he enjoys their interaction.

He won't give that up for anything in the world.


	34. 3x10

Danny. 100 words. 3x10.

. . .

Danny can hear Fiona crying and his mind's eye conjures up an image of a little boy waiting for his mom to come read him a bedtime story. Their captor has Adam on the phone and a gun to Fiona's head, and all Danny can think about is Wes.

Danny knows Adam is in an impossible situation and there is only one choice he can eventually make. He knows their captor is going to kill them both anyway, and Danny can make the choice for Adam; he can buy Fiona more time. Maybe just enough time.

He starts to speak.


	35. 4x01

Fiona. 100 words. 4x01.

. . .

Fiona can't bring herself to face Danny's family. They'll never know the details of his death, but she cannot look at them knowing she is to blame. She can barely face the rest of her team.

Sitting in the car outside the church, she thinks about the choices that have led her here. Maybe it is time to get out while she still can, before she ends up like Danny. She can focus on being a better mother to Wes.

But when she recognizes the noise as a bomb blast, she knows that this is the only life for her.


	36. 4x02

Tash. 100 words. Episode 4x02.

. . .

Up until the point where she found herself strapped to a bomb, Tash had been thinking that the spy world was pretty cool.

She had enjoyed spending time with Malcolm and Colin, wearing the jacket with the bug, helping Adam rescue Zaf. Even her almost-abduction had been exciting; for a brief moment she'd felt like a spy trying to get Malcolm's attention.

She is not excited now.

There is so much she still wanted to do with her life. She is not ready to die, but she's not expecting any miracles.

And then Adam arrives and she can breathe again.


	37. 4x03

Ruth/Harry. 100 words. Episode 4x03. Not my characters.

. . .

"Am I going to have to stop sending you into the field, Ruth?"

"What?" She is tired, bruised, and the last thing she wants now is a debriefing. Surely it can wait, she thinks as she looks up at Harry.

"Every time I do, you end up either kidnapped or shot at." Despite the teasing note in his words, he can't quite hide the relief in his eyes.

Ruth warms at his words, and her smile is genuine. "Ah, well perhaps I am safer here. On the Grid." _With you_ is left unsaid.

He squeezes her shoulder, then walks away.


End file.
